I killed a pinkie mouse. i feel really bad. any advice?

i have a snake and i bought 3 pinkie mice for it. i dont know why but i get joy from being mean to them. today i accidentally dropped 1. I laughed and then did it several more times it died. i felt some remorse but i literally felt my heart explode in my chest when i saw that i had split it open. I threw it away. i picked it up a few minutes later. i just broke down and cried. i was gonna bury it but i threw it away again. i dont know why. now cant find it. i was sobbing at this point. i begged god to make it come back. i feel so guilty now. any advice? i even thought about commiting suicide.